Lena was wiping the tears from her eyes from laughing so hard, then crossed her legs real tight.
“Dammit, I’m about to pee on myself.”
I watched as she got up slightly hunched over and paused as she squeezed her legs tightly together again. She looked back at me and busted out laughing again, then made her way to the bathroom. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I took in a deep breath.
“Well, I’m glad one of us is laughing.”
I shook my head as the visions of the last night’s date flashed by.
“Miss, would you like another Mojito?”
I opened my eyes and saw this handsome waiter looking down at me with his gorgeous smile. He looked like one of those brothers that Tyler Perry would cast in one of his movies. Suddenly, I realized that I was just gazing at him not saying a word. Panic set in as I prayed he would say something else and save me the embarrassment of having a delayed response.
“How about I just get you another one anyway? You look like you could use it. And this one is on me.”
The gorgeous waiter said. He gave me a huge smile while reaching down to take my empty glass.
I sighed in relief and said,
“uh…yes, please… sorry. I had a rough night last night.”
“I am going to have him strain the mint this time.”
The waiter then licked his tooth on the right. All I could see was the tip of his thick tongue and juicy lips. I felt myself get hot as I noticed his finger was slowly moving towards my mouth.
Lazy Love by Ne-Yo was playing and the waiter caressed my lips with the tip of his finger as he started winding his hips to the rhythm of the beat. He slowly unbutton his shirt to expose his amazing chest and stomach. I leaned in and sucked lightly on his finger while giving him the seductive eye contact. I grabbed a fistful of his opened, white shirt and pulled him in closer to me so our tongues could dance to the chorus…
“It is right there… just scratch it off or…”
The music stopped and I realized I was day dreaming and watching the waiter rubbing at his own tooth while staring at mine.
“Huh?”
“Girl, you got a big ass piece of mint on your front tooth. That’s what he's been trying to tell you!”
Lena said as she sat back down at the table.
I immediately popped forward and covered my mouth as soon as I heard Lena's voice.
“Go on and make it a double for her… and me too sweetie.”
Lena guzzled the last bit of her drink and handed him the glass as he scurried off. I was licking and rubbing the shit out of my teeth. I picked up the spoon to make sure I got everything off. There on the right side of my tooth was a huge mint leaf.
“For the love of God! How did I not feel that?”
"OK, OK”
... Lena interrupted, ignoring my cries of humiliation.
“Now start from the top and tell me again what happened. I promise this time I am not going to laugh. I’m here for you. You do know that right?”
Lena leaned forward with her eyes open real wide looking into mine. I squinted my eyes back at hers as I saw the side of her lips curl up. She started laughing again while holding her stomach. I felt my face get hot with anger wondering when this woman was going to stop laughing at me and feel sorry for me.
"Girl, that shit ain't funny! I am telling you God either hates me or he put me on this earth just so he would have someone to laugh at."
"Ugh... Ok Ok OK…"
Lena took in a deep breath trying to regain her composure.
"No more laughter. Now, take it from the top.
" she leaned in close to look into my eyes.
I took in a deep breath and decided to start the story from when Damien and I were at the Black Pussy Cat in the Village.
I stopped dancing as I stood there in shock watching my date take his shirt off. All you heard were cat calls from the dance floor and suddenly there was about five other girls that managed to bump, shove and gyrate their way though me to get closer to Damien. I don’t even think he noticed that I left the dance floor to go get another drink.
“Jack and coke please”
I yelled out to the female bartender that was staring at Damien as well while licking her lips.
I looked back at Damien and he had a chick up in the air with her legs on his shoulders while he pretended to eat her out and then do her with each up and down movement. The chick looked like some little girl on a swing yelling out “weeeeeeee”
. There were two other girls shoving each other trying to be next in line for the free ride.
I shook my head and grabbed the bartender’s arm to get her attention, “Just give me the Jack straight up. Make it in a tall glass.
”
“You manage him or something?”
She gestured over to Damien then looked back at me waiting for me to reply.
“What?”
“Are you his manager? He’s a stripper right? How much for him to do my homegirl’s baby shower?”
With a perplexed look on my face I had to ask, “baby shower?! Who the hell hires a stripper to a baby shower?”
The bartender rolled her eyes and said “uh… me and my girls do. We turn up Ma. Go hard or go home, you know what I’m sayin. HA HA HA Bridal shower, baby shower… it’s all the same thing.”
“Not sure if he is a stripper but he does move like one doesn’t he?”
I said as I tilted my head to the right looking back over at Damien who now had two chicks in a leap frog pose and he was moving up and down humping both of their asses. I really needed a drink.
“Hey, you think you can make my drink now rather than later?”
“One Jack coming right up!”
The bartender grabbed the Jack Daniels and started pouring. “Why you lookin all stressed for Mama? You not having a good time or something? You know this spot is the hottest spot for a Friday night. Why ain’t you turned up?”
I looked back over at Damien who was now getting felt up and licked on his arms, chest and back by four different women all at the same time. I shook my head and turned back towards the bartender.
“Because, that man who looks like he is impregnating all of those women is my date! Who would have thought he could move and act like that when he just got finished telling me how he is a God fearing man who just loves his mama.”
“Damn Ma. You need to check that nigga… for real! That ain’t right?”
“Who is bothering you?”
Damien had managed to break away from the orgy and was standing behind me with his lips close to my ear and neck.
“Uh…. Back up…. You still got saliva all over you. You need a shower or something.”
Damien laughed while giving me his best seductive look. “Oh! You got jokes now. Yeah, these girls in here were letting loose. But truth be told, the only one I want licking, grabbin, stroking and grinding on me is you, beautiful.”
He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I put my hand up and mushed him back.
“I haven’t gotten my tetanus shot yet. I am over due for one so I need to be careful….wait. you got stroked? What got stroked? The fuck part of the game is this? Whatever happened to dancing regular without getting sodomized?”
I felt myself getting pissed and took a big gulp of my drink and starting choking back the burn.
Damien patted my back and said “Nah baby… relax. Aight… look, come with me then. I live a few blocks from here. I am going to take a shower just for you because I can’t stand not being able to touch you or kiss you. Maybe, you can wash my back and I wash yours. I got a bottle at the house anyway. I’ll throw on some Maxwell and it will be just me and you. Whatta say? You rollin?”
All I could vision in my head was this man in nothing but a towel and baby oil while Bad Habits by Maxwell was playing in the background. I was hooked. Damn.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
I glanced at the bartender who gave me the look of disgust like I had just let down the entire gender of women. How can this woman judge me? This is the same woman that was about to hire my date to strip at a baby shower! I shot her the look of “I feel like you judging me bitch. What? He’s fine. It has been nine months since I last had sex and I am NOT going another day dammit!”
I paced back and forth in Damien’s tiny studio to get some of the feeling back in my thighs and calves after climbing up four flights of narrow and extremely high stairs. Damn brownstones!
I had contemplated joining Damien in the shower until I saw that his shower was the length of width of a high school locker. Who gets inspiration of building a shower the size of a porter potty?! Inside his studio was a queen size bed, a beat up black leather love seat, stereo system, a workout bench and some weights. I guess that is all a man really needs right? I started rocking back and forth to Fortunate by Maxwell.
“Mmm, mmm, mmm… I feel fortunate just watching you dance baby.”
I turned around and saw Damien admiring my dancing. He was saying something else but my eyes zoomed in on how delicious he looked. His coco completion glistened in his wife beater. You could see every cut and chisel of his chest, arms and abs. It was as if God himself decided to sculpt him just to show the world what perfection really was. It was his eyes and smile that had me stuck. The grey sweatpants showing the outline of his semi wood, manhood was just the cherry on top I needed to feel my body release a Tsunami in my thong.
He was moving in slow motion towards me. He snapped his fingers and my clothes disappeared. He put on one of those bibs you get at Red Lobster when you are about to eat a shit load of crabs or a full lobster. I had a slight perplexed look on my face but was frozen in his trance. He lifted me up and sat me on his chest with my legs around his neck in mid air. I felt my eyes roll in the back of my head and I started moaning….
“Are you having a seizure? Damn, you a diabetic? You need insulin! HEY! Are you OK?! Sandy! Sandy! Please don’t die, I got warrants Ma! I can’t even call 911 if anything happens to you. I’m just sayin Ma. Please, at least do this outside on the sidewalk. Can you crawl?”
“What? I’m fine! Stop shaking me like that. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Your eyes rolled up in the back of your head and you leaned back… I just thought you was having a seizure. That used to happen to my mommy?”
Damien had such a concerned look in his eyes.
“Mommy? Wait what?” I laughed a bit. “Babe, I’m fine. I was uh… admiring and envisioning what you were doing to me and what I wanted to do to you. It had me lost in the moment I guess. Sorry. You got me drooling right now.”
Damien wiped the side of my mouth and smiled “yeah, I can see that.”
He giggled.
I leaned in close to Damien’s body and whispered in his ear “wrong lips.”
His eyes grew wide and we started kissing each other ravishly as if we both just came home from doing a long bid.
“Take me Daddy. I’m all yours.”
“I’m going to make you love me once I get finished with you. Just let me get the blood pumpin first.”
Damien pushed me back a bit and had me sit on the love seat.
“Wait… what? You’re blood isn’t pumpin? Well, let me help you out with that.”
I got on my knees and started pulling his sweat pants down.
Damien was holding onto the top of his sweatpants that I was fighting to pull down.
“Don’t be shy baby...Just let me...”
I said while struggling to pull his sweatpants down and smacking his hands away.
Damien interrupted me. “Hold that though baby. All I need is a five minute warm up.”
“Five minutes? Nah, Nigga. You know how long it’s been? You gonna give me some right now. Look, you catch a cramp and I’ll rub it out for you.”
I tried one more time to pull his sweatpants down but Damien grabbed both my hands and had me sit back on the love seat.
“Baby, hold on. I want to make sure I give a full 110% performance so I just got to do a little warm up exercise before we get started. I plan on being in that all night long baby. Trust me. I gotta warm up the back.”
I flashed back to Damien with the Red Lobster bib and having me in the air on his chest and my legs wrapped around his neck in mid air.
“Ok”
I said reluctantly. “Do your thing sweetie. I will just uh… I don’t know…sit here and hope I don’t leave a huge wet spot on this couch. Hey, is this real leather? It feels... oh never mind.”
Damien smiled and dropped to the floor and started to do some push-ups while looking at me. Well, this was different. I was trying to convince myself that this was some new form of foreplay. Once Damien finished his push-ups, he popped up and started pacing back and forth. Then he got up on his pull up bar and went to town.
After about 3 minutes, I was getting bored and just stared off into space. I guess this must be what it’s like for a man waiting on a woman to get ready to give him some when she disappears into the bathroom. My mind wondered ddeeper in thought as I tried to figure out what exactly are we supposed to be doing in the bathroom anyway for that long period of time because damn if I never got the memo. Are we supposed to masturbate before actually having sex? I understand checking ourselves to make sure we are good to go down there but that doesn’t take twenty minutes. I mean seriously, if you need twenty minutes to get fresh down there, then a trip to the GYN is a must.
My attention quickly snapped back to Damien as I thought out of my peripheral, this man was doing some sort of break dancing foot work and about to go into a back spin. But when I looked directly at him, he was back to pacing back and forth and then dropped on the floor doing more push-ups all while telling me that by the time he was done with me, I won’t be able to walk.
I went back into my head thinking about what time I was supposed to meet Lena for lunch tomorrow. I frowned up my face as I pictured myself not being able to walk. Man, I don’t think that has ever happen to me. A smile suddenly spread across my face. That was actually not a bad problem to have.
My attention quickly snapped back again to Damien. I watched in complete shock as this man broke out break dancing and going hard like he was possessed with the spirit of Crazy Legs himself. It wasn’t until I saw him go into a full back spin like some sort of roulette table that had me ready to leap to my death out of the window.
I saw Lena’s chin quiver as her eyes started to tear up.
“Bitch…go head and let it out.”
I took a sip of my strained mojito.
Lena fell out of her chair laughing. I heard laughter erupt from the table behind me and saw a couple with the guy falling out of the booth laughing and holding his stomach. I took in a deep breath and continued to hold my head up high even though it weighted a fucking ton.
The lady behind me tapped me on the shoulder with her eyes puffy and trying to get out her words without laughing or spitting in my face.
“What…..did...OH MY GOD...I’m….sorry…uh...what happened……next?”
After eight of the longest seconds of my life, Damien stopped in an official B-Boy pose and said “You just got served!” Then he held his pose as if I was supposed to walk over to him with my panties in hand and just jump on him.
But instead, I walked right passed him, out the front door and climbed down the stairs to hell.
The entire restaurant erupted in laughter. Fuck my life!
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