BeLLLA

Hey Phats.

Man, I can’t believe it’s been two years since your physical presence was here. How’s Heaven? I envision you having a grand ol’ time with a smile on your face and laughing. I know you’re partying it up with the rest of the family. Give them my love.

I remember back at the Roosevelt Pep Rally, when you first stated that we were related. It had been just a couple of days prior, you came to practice, chillin on the bleachers, watching us perfect our routine. When I was done, you walked over to me, looked me dead in my eyes and asked me if my name was Sandy Davis. I rolled my eyes thinking you were probably just another nigga trying to score a cheerleader with some lame ass line at first but you didn’t come off as some “greazy nigga” so I nodded yes. You stared at me for a minute then walked away, not saying another word. (Dude, that was just odd.)

Then during the Pep Rally, I think it was Jab or someone, who asked if I was your cousin. You were sitting right next to him smiling, but I didn’t know you so I blatantly said “no”. Laughter erupted loudly amongst your boys but you continued to smile at me. You spoke softly, forcing me to pay attention to every word you were saying as you explained who my father was and how we were related. It was crazy because as you spoke, all the noise in the gym drowned out as I hung on your every word while you broke it down. My guard came down immediately. I had it up for so long that I felt exhausted, shocked, elated and even a bit relieved. I wanted to hug you right then and there but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to let you go and probably break down crying. I wasn’t sure why I felt like crying but I knew I would so the only thing I could do was smile and nod in acknowledgment, then said “enjoy the show cuz” and I went on to perform with the rest of the squad. I even laughed a little when I saw how your crew stopped laughing and just had this perplexed look on their faces.

After that day, you introduced me to the family with each one welcoming me with open arms and love, sharing stories about my dad and how the last time they saw me, I was just a baby. My parents did a great job at keeping me isolated from the family. We were going through some things that I never told you or anyone about. I was trained to keep up the image of the perfect family. To be honest, it didn’t matter what the hell I was going through, because I found solace hanging out with you, Ki and Sy. Phats, that was actually the best year of my life back then. You saved me.

I remember this one time; I had cut class and was talking to some dude on the payphone in school. You were “roaming the halls” and walked past the first time giving the head nod. I gave the head nod back not skipping a beat on whatever the hell I was talking about on the phone. I saw you come around the second time and you gave me the craziest side eye. (You mastered that look by the way). You casually made your way over to the phone, took the receiver out my hand, hung it up and told me to take my ass to class. You said that you never wanted to see me on the phone again when you knew I had class. I wanted to debate with you the fact that your ass was never in class either but I didn’t want to challenge you considering you were still giving me that crazy side eye. Then you gave me this speech, while walking me back to my class, on how I wasn't like these other "birds" and how smart I was. You believed in me and said you saw me doing “big things” when I got older. It was crazy to me that you saw something great in me that I couldn’t fathom myself. I was going through a lot and living life on the edge not even worried about if I saw tomorrow or not. Tomorrow didn't exists in my world back then. Every time I wanted to go to party that was expected to go left or hang with individuals that didn’t have the best intentions for my well being, you stopped me. It got to the point where even if one of your boys saw me at a spot I had no business being in, they would give me the tap on the shoulder pointing their thumb behind them as to give direction on where I had to exit immediately. They weren’t trying to hear me either on whatever reason I came up with. All they knew was that I was Phats’s cousin and I needed to take my ass home. Looking back, I realized that you were there, even in spirit saving my life!

I had to go away for a little while and we lost contact but not one day went by that I didn’t hold onto the memories of us talking, laughing and having a great time. Over the next few years, we would link up; times permitted of course and catch up on what new ventures we were all getting into. We were doing our thing huh? Ki rapping and having his video playing on MTV and Video Music Box, Sy was learning the business aspect of the music industry while furthering his education and raising his daughter, and I was venturing into corporate America with the intent of getting a corner office. We all were on a mission to have better lives.

Then word came that you got locked up in Valhalla. Ki scooped me up one day so we could go out to visit you. It had been a few years since I last saw you so a visit was way overdue. The thing is Phats, I sabotaged it. As we pulled into the parking lot of the jail, I had this knot in my stomach and didn’t want to see you locked up like that. I felt the lump in my throat and the tears ready to spill over uncontrollably. I lied to Ki and said I forgot my ID so there was no way for me to go in. I told him to send you my love & know I was here but just in the parking lot. I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t want to see you like that. I mean, even though Ki said there were so many niggas from the block up in there that you were good, I still didn’t want to see you like that. I wanted the liberty of the next time I saw you, to give you that big hug and if the tears fell from my eyes, then I was going to let them fall. I just wanted to be able to hug my big cousin and let you know how thankful I am that you are in my life and that I love you. Yeah, I know; being affectionate or warm and fuzzy is not an attribute that we have acquired as a family unit but I actually have it in me for a select few.

Years past and we were all living our lives in different directions. We’d speak on the phone once in a blue and catch up on the rare occasions that we’d make time to meet up at your parents’ house for a cookout. (Who could resist your pop’s cooking?!) I remember marveling over the fact that your son Raevon, your twin, was getting bigger right there before my eyes. Life was good.

More years past and the last time we saw each other was at one of your parent’s cookout. You had just got out from doing a bid and were planning on working with Ki in the construction business. I remember how great it was to see you again. I ran up on you and gave you a big hug, fighting back the tears. We were sitting on the porch and I was going on and on about how I was working for this investment banking firm, learning the art of the business to starting my own business venture on the side; you know, “doing big things.” All you did was smile, not saying a word and nodding your head. I thought I was boring you, so I stopped talking, not even finishing my story. You started laughing and asked me if I remembered that talk you gave me by the payphones. I did and looked at you and said “Man, there was no way you knew back then that I’d be where I’m at today.” You just gave me this look like “prove me wrong then.” I thought about it, smiling at the comforting memory, then looked at you again and we both busted out laughing. There was no way I was going to debate you.

I wanted to tell you then how much of an impact you made on my life but we were both caught up on catching up with everyone that was there that day. It was like one big family reunion and we were all enjoying the moment.

Two or three years after that, I packed up and moved to Cali adjusting to the west coast life. We lost contact again but the love was never lost. Then on 9/24/12, Sy posted on Facebook that you were shot and killed. I had just spoken to him the night before and he didn’t say anything. I thought it was a joke but quickly found out that it wasn’t. I felt like I got hit by a car and couldn’t catch my breath. I called Ki to find out what happened. His strength during this situation helped me gain composure for a bit.

That night, when no one was around, I finally dropped to my knees crying and praying. I was so angry that I never took the opportunity say thank you for saving my life. I never took the opportunity to tell you how much I loved you because I took for granted that tomorrow was going to come. Me! The same person who at one time didn’t believe in tomorrows, until you came into my life.

I tried to get back east for your funeral but everything that could go wrong, did and I wasn’t able to make it. I felt like I had failed you. Then your mom called requesting that I get Money to sing at your funeral. She said that it was something that you would have wanted so I obliged and Money was honored to do it as he already knew how much love I had for you. I heard he did his thing. I hope you liked it.

Well, two years later from that awful day and I’m making sure I don’t miss out on opportunities anymore. Ki and I keep in touch now. I know you’re proud of him starting his YnotU2 foundation in your honor and all. He’s doing his thing. Damn, Phats, I wish this was an email or a phone call. My heart still breaks at the fact that you’re not here. I’d give anything to just hang out with you one more day. I’d give you a big ass hug and just let the tears free fall, treasuring the fact that I get to hold my big cuz again. I wish we had one more day where we can just chill out, laugh, crack jokes and just talk about life. Man Phats, I wish I was there to save you that night. I’d take your place in a heartbeat. You have touched so many people and everyone is missing you like crazy.

The last memory I have of you is when we were all together that day at your parent’s cookout. Each one of us laughing, joking, smiling, exchanging words of wisdom, ideas and stories of what we made exists in a world that we had a hand in created.

The simplicity of love and life.

I miss you Cuz.

Forever rest in peace Richard “Phats” Davis

Love you lil’ cousin,

Sandy

Live, Laugh, Love, Always XO